Waking Sober.

Episode 1

I cannot feel ashamed of this. It was perfectly normal, and everybody does it.

I repeated this mantra in my head trying hard to suffocate the feeling of shame that enveloped me before casting another glance at the heavily muscled arm that seemed to clamp me against the sheets. The arm, thick and hairy as it was, belonged to no other than Jide, my secondary school crush and No, this was not a happy reunion. Jide was not meant to be in my life, Kunle was.

I casted another glance at him and winced. His mouth gaped open revealing two short rows of teeth and a small stream of saliva flowing down the side of it like a disgusting water fall. A small part of me screamed in agony because I knew that same saliva was probably on me and in me…in-fact. I took a deep breath in and immediately regretted the action, I should remember to buy a packet of breath mints and discard it in the man’s car if I ever saw him again after this.

I lifted my legs slowly from the mattress, trying hard not to get the sleeping man’s attention as I shifted the rest of me slowly away from him as soundlessly as possible. The bed gave out a little squeak and I held my breath and froze. Jide murmured and turned his head in his sleep, resting the back of his skull on the small puddle of man made spit he had created. It took a lot of effort not to cry, feel sorry for myself and this stupid situation but I turned away from Jide and focused on my discarded cloths instead. My lace green pantie was practically ripped in half and I grimaced as the memory of our heated embrace and kisses flooded my mind. The way he carried me and pulled off my shirt, how he caressed me and unclipped my bra before working his way down my extra tight jeans. We were both simply impatient by the time he got to my pantie and I didn’t mind when he dragged on to the small soft lace, ripping it apart. I should have thought of it then but the sex was so good. I turned back at Jide’s saliva soaked head one last time and hopped out of the bed landing on my feet instantly.

My first touch was my jeans, the second was my bra and by the time I picked up my t shirt, his first words were

“Where are you going?”

To be continued…

 

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The beginning

“I have lived many lives….

In my earlier years, I had been a student at Atuma high school where I had learned how to speak and eat there with the rest of my people. I had been born in Nigeria and became a Nigerian by place of birth to a Yoruba man I assumed, because my mother could never honestly tell me who my father was.

“He was strong, handsome and he was a good man,” she would say staring at the broken frame of the kitchen window in our small backyard. Her faded cloth always dropping lazily about her breasts inches away from the dark circles that formed her nipples.

“Come, come and suck breast,” she would say to me as small flies circled around her arms and legs. Flying about her in a whirling frenzy. I would always run to her and do as she had asked me even though mama’s breasts had long lost their milk but she always seemed to like it when I did that and so I obeyed.

She would caress my back and shoulders as I suckled and I would always feel a small itch grow within the lower parts of my belly. Mama would call me a good son after I was done and then she would tell me to go and sleep or read even though she would follow me into the house and then select the book for me to read as she settled in beside me on my bed. I always obeyed mama because it made her happy and whenever she was happy she would always smile and say that I have learned well and that I was a good student. I never quite understood why she said that but she always gave me extra fish from her Egusi soup whenever she did.

One day I had been too impatient to wait for the sound of the afternoon lunch bell, so I opened the lunch box mama had given me and I began licking the soup from my small rubber plate, my teachers had caught me and they’d immediately started calling me ‘Ogusi’ a nickname that instantly gained wide popularity within the school but I didn’t mind because I was a good student and the smartest boy in my class so whenever I had solved an equation or answered a question that the class had originally thought difficult or nobody else could answer my teachers would scream

“Ogusi has done it again!” they would scream that to the rest of the class and sometimes they would give me the cane to flog them, I used to be scared and worried about that part but mama told me it was the blessing i got for my diligence in school work and so I would flog them as hard as I could and sometimes I wouldn’t stop until the other children were crying. It made me know that I have thoroughly enjoyed my blessing.

When I got home I would tell mama and she would praise me, she would call me the star of the class and she would make me more soup. I became an even better student and many times I would be given that opportunity again and again. Many students in my class were scared of me but mama would said that they only envied me and that the fear was good, It would make them work better so I liked the fear too but the students from the other classes didn’t work better because they didn’t fear me but I made secret prayers for them that they find someone that they would fear, someone that would flog them to make them better. My opportunity came when Ngozi, a girl in my upper class had called me to the back of our school building and had asked me

“Do you know how to fuck?”  I had never been taught that before and I so i told her.

“No, but I could learn it.”

To be continued…

Spits of fire by Sholaye Orugboh

When I was younger I kept my anger in a shell,

I ignored the need to expel my demons and i allowed myself to be demonized.

I accepted that the truth to my mother’s gospel was in inhibition so I was pleased with my admission allowing my soul to be crushed for their occupation.

I bottled up my hatred, anger, frustration in a treasured shell and when my mother preached that anger was a disease, I felt relieved for i believed in my revelation that I had found a cure for the infection.

But as the days rolled by, i felt my shell swell up form over population but my mind felt blank to the revelation and i rebuked the information i was process claiming that No, i was not that person.

That person who can loose it all at the mention of a word or could crawl down on the floor weeping the pools of their frustration because i had the medication.

But from a prick to a crack I heard my shell give out until the final explosion and my floor was littered with the destruction, splitters of my hope casted out and my dreams abandoned pieced my soul in huge waves and I sat staring at the remains of my failure.

My eyes look away and upon a glittering chared with an horrific reflection, I turned my eyes away from the sight of the image but my mind had absorbed the view and I could see it in a clearer picture, the image of my depression.

I settled down now and cried to the floor, calling on to God once more screaming father send me my salvation for I am ready for my elimination from this earth and its bondage, my soul will forever pay you homage

But no a voice screamed from the depth of my soul, you have to gain control change the image and the view there is another you

A woman of power and strength, of wisdom and grace so do not look away stay and fight your demons, no more twisted lies, no more blind eyes open your mouth to speak the truth for it is in you break down the hold of your capture and let down rapture.

IMG_20170131_071908.pngYou have the strength and you have the power to make your demons cower, shake free and let loose your lions roar for you will be shackled no more.

Blow out the fire of depression and received the elevation of your mind, body and spirit. Its all yours if you can see it.

I stood on my feet with fist held high for I shall testify of my salvation and redemption for me, myself and i.

I dust my feet and prepared the room my my confrontation for today was the day I faced my demon and they would cower and hide like scared flies for I shall not be broken.

Say no to depression#love yourself.

AND NOW YOU’RE DEAD

WHAT AM I DOING HERE…

1

What am I doing here?

She stands shakily in the hotel lobby, clutching the straps of her leather handbag and scanning the area for any sign of a familiar face. The room seems peaceful and placid almost as if to mock her current frame of mind. She notices the security guard eyeing her suspiciously and straightens.

“room 626 madam, enjoy.” the receptionist says with a polite smile while handing her a blue card with a paper tape stuck on it bearing the number 626 written in blue ink.

She studies the woman’s face taking in the smooth calm fairness of it, long lashes shaded calm big brown eyes and a straight small nose stood at the middle before a full, heavily painted, red lips. She didn’t seem like a killer but neither did he.

“Thank you.” she replies hastily and takes the card, walking toward the twin metallic doors with a yellow sign glowing ‘elevator’. She presses one of the buttons with a small upside down triangle in the middle and holds her breathe as a loud ding sounds through the entire lobby and the elevator doors open. She steps in and just as soon as the doors of the elevator shut, she starts to pace.

It washes through her then, like an icy wave, the shame, fear, resentment. She paces back and forth in the elevator as goose bumps slowly creep up her flesh. The elevator comes to a stop and she walks out to a hallway with rows of doors at both sides and number plates each one of them.
“623,624,25,26…” she stops staring at the door, her breathe coming in gasps, she looks from left to right as if expecting a savior, a Samaritan anything but facing this monster. She sobs as tears trickle from her eyes, slots in the key card, opens the door and walks in.

One month earlier…

“I always knew Robert would cheat on me, I just always had that feeling, that knowledge. you know,” Angela said staring down  at the woman pinning a small golf ball on the ground.

“Then why did you marry him?” Laju said as she leveled her club close to the ball, eyeing her target.

“Because I loved him and I actually thought he would change,” Angela said frowning at the ring on her finger.

“Angela,” Laju said swinging the club and hitting the ball. “I don’t want to be the devil’s advocate or seem like the person that wants to steer you toward ending your marriage but my dear don’t bear what you can’t tolerate, you will only kill yourself before your time.”

“I can’t leave him Laju I don’t even know what I would be without him.”

“Stop it!” Laju shouted turning to look at her sister, her face filled with irritation. “Don’t ever say rubbish like that again he’s not your life’s blood. You love him, fine but dont make it sound like you need him to survive, you have a bachelor’s degree, a job and steady money flowing in your account, you do not need him to sur-” Laju stopped before walking closer to her sister and hugging the younger woman as she felt her shirt grow moist from her sisters tears.

“Laju, i just don-don’t know wh-what to do and i ca-can’t leave this marriage like this,” Angela said between sobs, her voice breaking off with each word.

“Do you want to seat inside the cart?” Laju said already staring her sister toward the small, three wheeled vehicle.They walked toward the golf cart each silent as they enter. Laju took a deep breath as she settled into the seat of the cart.

“Tell me everything,” she said staring at the windshield, her jaw clenched and her expression tensed. she didn’t want to look at her sister cry, it made her irrational.

“There’s really nothing to say,” Angela said as she looked away from her sister. She shouldn’t have done this in the first place, she stared at her sisters clenched fists and smiled. Laju was always her protector, more of a brother to her than a sister, she relaxed against the seat of the cart and tried to calm her nerves.

“I wanted to go to the market early so that on my way back I can go and see mama and even cook for her before I come home and rest. I ended up using one of Robert’s cars because I didn’t have fuel in mine but before I could start the car I remembered that I needed to return mama’s brown collar and so I went back into the house and put it in the boot of the car which was kind of wet so I decided to take some tissues Robert kept in his glove compartment and then I saw a phone.” Angela said her voice shaky. “It was one of Roberts old phones and I don’t know why I felt like turning it on but I did and soon I received a message on the phone the number wasn’t saved and immediately I clicked on it-“Angela broke off and took another shaky breathe. “She was naked spreading her legs open for him.”

“Oh my God,” Laju gasped and stared at her sister. “Are you serious?.”

Angela remained quiet as fresh tears fell down her face.

“stop crying hes not worth your tears I’m just sorry you had to go though that.” Laju said as she stared at her sister. “so what did the fool say when you told him?”

“I…haven’t told him yet.”

“What?” Laju said staring harder at her sister. “And when do you plan on telling,”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Angela said as she wiped the tears from her face. “Please I just don’t.”

“Why!“

“Because!” Angela screamed. “I don’t want to hear him tell me that’s he’s sorry, I don’t want to hear his lies!” Angela said as she wiped her tears violently.

Laju sat there stared at Angela incredulously. “Do you need a drink?” she asked. Angela stared at her confused and she nodded. She watched Laju reach underneath the seat and unearth a bottle of chocolate vodka, she handed the bottle to Angela as she searched her bag and brought a roll of plastic cups.

“What?” she said staring at Angela’s shocked face. “You are going to benefit from it aren’t you?” She opened the bottle with expert ease, the kind of ease that came with countless practice. She poured half the cup for Angela and filled hers to the brim.

“Remember that night, when we were small and mama flogged me bitterly for drinking daddy’s gin.” She said as she took a sip off her cup. “Times like this I’m glad I survived the beating.” She said as she raised the glass and stared at it in the sunlight. Angela burst out laughing and wiped her eyes and took a sip also.

“Angela.” She said with a smile. “See how beautiful you are when you smile.” She said as she cleaned a tear from her face.

Angela smiled and looked down at her cup as she laid it in between her thighs. “Could I stay with you for a while, I need some time to clear my head and I don’t want to go to mama’s I don’t want her involved with this.” She said firmly.

“Of course anytime.” Laju said

“Thank you.” Angela said as she took her sister hand and griped it. “You should visit mama, she misses you a lot.”

“I pray so that she can sell me to the highest bidder,” Laju said as she took another sip off her glass. “Did you know the last time I went to meet her she and uncle Toju carried me to visit one of their friend’s son?”

Angela coughed out her drink in laughter.

“I swear the shame was beyond what I could bear and as if being there wasn’t enough embarrassment they started telling him of my accomplishments as if I was one priced goat.” She said as she heaved her breasts up as if in defiance. “I mean I know I’m not spring chicken but still I deserve some dignity.” She said haltingly. Angela laughed and patted her sisters back in consolation.

“And I though her teaching me the type of soup that’s good for child bearing was terrible.”

“It’s a lie!” Angela said laughing at her sister.

“I swear,” Angela lifted her hand.” she even took me to the market to select the spices.”

“Eh mama!” Laju said as both women laughed heartily. Angela stared out the window as she took the final sip from her cup feeling the taste linger in her stomach. ‘It’s a shame I don’t know how to golf, could you teach me?” Angela said staring at Laju with excitement blooming in her spirit.

“Ok but we have to set a limit because I’m getting tired,” Laju said as she lazily climbed out the cart.

“Ok how about forty swings and we are gone,” Angela said as she climbed after her.

“You said it yourself oh forty and we are done.”

to be continued…